saltwaterkisses

She’s the one you call when you’re bored because she makes you laugh. She’s the one you talk to when you’re feeling down because she’s willing to lend an ear and be a friend. She’s not the one you call when you need a date to your company’s Christmas party, or to go dancing with on a Saturday night. She’s the one you spend time with between girlfriends, before you find "The One". You know, the one who you keep around in the meantime.

She’s not one of the guys, not a tomboy, but you don’t look at her as a "real" woman, either. She’s not bitchy enough, moody enough, or sexy enough to be seen in that light. She’s too laid-back, too easily amused by the same things your male buddies are amused by. She’s too understanding, too comfortable – she doesn’t make you feel nervous or excited the way a "real" woman does. But she’s cool, and nice, and funny, and attractive enough that when you’re lonely or horny and need intimate female companionship, she’ll do just fine. You don’t have to wine and dine her because she knows the real you already, and you don’t have any facades to keep up, no pretenses to preserve. You’re not trying to get anything of substance out of her. She’s not easy, but you know that she cares about you and is attracted to you, and that she’ll give you the intimacy you need. And you know you don’t have to explain yourself or the situation, that she’ll be able to cope with the fact that this isn’t the beginning of a relationship or that there’s any possibility that you have any real romantic feelings for her. It won’t bother her that you’ll get up in the morning, put on your pants, say goodbye, and go on a date with the woman you’ve been mooning over for weeks who finally agreed to go out with you. She’ll settle for a goodbye hug and a promise to call her and tell her how the date went. She’s just so cool . . . why can’t all women be like that?!

But deep down, if you really think about it (which you probably don’t because to you, the situation between the two of you isn’t important enough to merit any real thought), you know that it’s really not fair. You know that although she would never say it, it hurts her to know that despite all her good points and all the fun you two have, you don’t think she’s good enough to spend any real time with. Sure, it’s mostly her fault, because she doesn’t have to give in to your needs – she could play the hard-to-get bitch like the rest of them do, if she really wanted to. But you and she both know that she probably couldn’t pull it off. Maybe she’s too short, or a little overweight, or has a big birthmark on her forehead, or works at Taco Bell. Whatever the reason, somehow life has given her a lot of really great qualities but has left out the ones that men want (or think they want) in a woman. So she remains forever the funny friend, the steadfast companion, the secret lover, and you go on searching for your goddess who will somehow be everything you ever wanted in a woman.

She doesn’t captivate you with her beauty, or open doors with her smile. Mainly she blends in with the crowd. She’s safe. She doesn’t want to be the center of attention and turn the heads of everyone in the room. But she wants to turn someone’s head. She wants to be special to someone, too. We all do.

She has feelings. She has a heart. In fact, she probably has a bigger and better heart than any woman you’ve ever known because she’s had a front-row seat to The Mess That Is Your Life, and she likes you anyway. She obviously sees something worthwhile and redeeming in you because although you’ve given her nothing, absolutely no reason to still be around, she is.

A blanket-like cloud hovers over the Fraser valley at twilight.  It does not seem ominous.  It is in fact a picturesque scene.  The sun's yellow rays reflect on the sky's, or should I say cloud's, blue hue.  They produce a magnificent mixture of pink and orange - the kind of sunset you see normally in pictures, posters or magazines - but this one is the real thing as seen through my own eyes.  Such part of creation depicts God's beauty - and this portion that I'm witnessing, is not even one of a milionth of His whole majesty.  Manila, the place I consider home, is known for its "most beautiful sunset" as seen over the bay - but this phenomenon I'm perceiving, and assimilating right now, is a hundred times more beautiful, even dramatic than Manila's.  I am completely in awe as I look through the window of my usual home-bound transit.  Filter's Take a Picture plays randomly on my iPod.  Great.  The sunset is not just a beautiful view now.  See, life can't be that pretty all the time.  One way or another, something's gonna hit you on the other side.  This one blind-sided me.  The sunset becomes a trap - a condusive vision to reflect upon the "dramatic" things that has happened and possibly is happening in my life as of the moment.  The beauty of it all starts to fade.  Dusk takes over, just in time to take the bliss out of me.  Back to reality.

So much has happened and I don't even know where to begin.  It has been quite a while since I blogged.  I've been meaning to, however passivity reigns over me most of those times.  So my recent substantial, precious thoughts, realizations or whatever personally-gratified ideas I have had, had not been put into writing.  Not even exciting experiences, major life happenings i.e. summer vacation in California.  Dormancy hits - and my volition just goes with it.

I know this isn't much of a coherent, sensible comeback - but it's still an attempt.  Hey that's always a good sign.
So besides getting used to the right shift key with my keyboard, since the left one that I've been using ever since I learned how to type the proper way is not functional anymore, I've been pretty focused on school.  Calculus is killing me, Chemistry is double-killing me, Biology, Philosophy and French, plus all the labs, really can't contribute more since I'm already dead.  I've been getting high marks for a price of zero-social life or any other form of life thereof that exists outside school. 

Lesson learned: don't take three major sciences in one semester, including a foreign language course.  CRaZy!

Getting tiredddd....

[apple+shift+Q]

In line with my Renascent blog, or theme or whatever this new crap I'm trying to impose, I set all my previous blogs (except my very first one here in Vox) in private/hidden.  I just thought that if I'm starting a new thing here, or in use of a better, more applicable phrase, completely moving on, it's better to leave all those behind.  This is actually a recurring theme in my life - leaving things behind.

Well, life goes on.  Things move forward.  Can't really live in the past. (I still tell this to myself all the time.  Reassurance.)

[apple+shift+Q]

Cry In My Heart
Starfield

There's a cry in my heart
For Your glory to fall
For Your presence to fill up my senses
There's a yearning again
A thirst for discipline
A hunger for things that are deeper

Could You take me beyond?
Could You carry me through?
If I open my heart?
Could I go there with You?

For what do I have
If I don't have You, Jesus?
What in this life
Could mean any more?
You are my rock
You are my glory
You are the lifter
Of my head
Lifter of this head

There's a cry in my heart
For Your glory to fall
For Your presence to fill up my senses
There's a yearning again
A thirst for discipline
A hunger for things that are deeper

Could You take me beyond?
Could You carry me through?
If I open my heart?
Could I go there with You?
For I've been here before
But I know there's still more
Oh, Lord, I need to know You

For what do I have
If I don't have You, Jesus?
What in this life
Could mean any more?
You are my rock
You are my glory
You are the lifter
Of my head
Lifter of this head

[apple+shift+Q]

Music is my drug.  My escape.

Lately I've been listening to Starfield's songs - recent and old ones.  If not, they're constantly playing in my head.  It wouldn't take long 'til I sing them out loud, and I would end up singing the same lines, from random songs over and over again.  So it's better to just play them on iTunes.  Sounds better.

This is my drug as of the moment, and there are many reasons why I find comfort in them.  The obvious and ultimate reason being - the words of their songs, as simply compelling.  Another, they give me the adrenaline rush that I felt during the concert I was in just a couple of days ago.  That concert was such a euphoric experience, and I can't get enough of the feeling of overwhelming joy.  Spiritual high.  It left a significant amount of poignant substance in my very own biological pensive that I can't help but to illicit and relive as much as I can.

You thought of us before the world began to breathe
You knew our names before we came to be
You saw the very day we fall away from you
And how desperately we need to be redeemed

Lord jesus
Come lead us
We're desperate for your touch

Oh great and mighty one
With one desire we come
That you would reign that you would reign in us
We're offering up our lives
A living sacrifice
That you would reign that you would reign in us

Spirit of the living God fall fresh again
Come search our hearts and puify our lives
We need your perfect love we need your discipline
We're lost unless you guide us with your light

Lord jesus
Come lead us
We're desperate for your touch

Oh great and mighty one
With one desire we come
That you would reign that you would reign in us
We're offering up our lives
A living sacrifice
That you would reign that you would reign in us

We cry out for your life to revive us cry out
For your love to define us cry out
For your mercy to keep us
Blameless until you return

Oh great and mighty one
With one desire we come
That you would reign that you would reign in us
We're offering up our lives
A living sacrifice
That you would reign that you would reign in us

So reign please reign in us
Come purify our hearts
We need your touch
Come cleanse us like a flood
And set us out
So the world may know you reign you reign in us

[apple+shift+Q]

So I'm still up.  Blogging.  Not surprising - that's my usual nocturne lifestyle.  Not quite on the blogging part.  As I've declared in my previous post, I'm back to blogging.  Maybe that's why I'm on this right now.

It's been a so-so, full day.  I was about to end it with a few ending, climactic chapters of Eclipse, but here I find myself online, had just exchanged messages with a long-time, and not-so-long-ago but so-yesterday lover (not using the word for its most quintessential meaning), listening to Nina's I Love You, Goodbye song (randomly selected by my iTunes, as I always set it on Shuffle), and of course, blogging.  I just read the most stimulating chapter in the series, and now I feel like I need a break.  It was just too much for me - it triggered the surfacing of certain chemicals in my brain that I continuously bury in the deep hollows of my cerebellum or cerebral cortex at that. 
Desire. 
Covet. 
Unbearable.
Sounds dangerous.  Sexy dangerous.  Exciting.  But never the perfect combination.  Although Bella & Edward used these words in a totally different way, it still didn't hinder my thinking process to conjure up the memory I've always hated to remember.  I can claim that I AM fine now - way better than before.  I just hate the way such memory still bugs me.  It's hard to forget.  Not even scientifically possible... unless I get amnesia of course.

This part is not in any way related to the past lover I was referring to.  This lover was easier to deal with.  He was a hundred times less complicated.  It just amazes me that although I had gotten over him for a very long time now, having in love, or infatuated between that time and now, my heart started racing upon the moment I messaged him.  I meant well, in the sense that I was just merely saying hey.  With my intentions cleared to myself, and myself alone at least - I find it very weird to get that feeling again without even thinking it, nor expecting it.  I guess such a strong feeling, even one that existed in the past cannot just die as if turning a light off - it's more of lessening the light's intensity, and one day, sooner or later, the switch can be just turned up to the point that it can light up the whole room again.  Fine line I say... fine line between things, even those that are supposed to be contradictory.

I hate to think that I'm suffering from nocturia.  I'm already having troubles sleeping at night as it is - I don't need an irregular, very often sensation caused by the efficiency of my kidneys (I'm making it sound as if it's a bad thing), or my small-sized, easily-filled bladder.  What I'm saying is, beating the top spot of the sound my alarm (during days that are necessary to have it) especially this summer is my damn bladder waking me up, even worse, getting me to stand up and go to the washroom.  I hate losing minutes of my precious sleep.  It's hard to get on it. 
Just like now. 
It was a bad idea to drink coffee after dinner.  Caffeine.  I never realized until now that it still has its withstanding effect on my already-immune system.  Sudden epiphany: Caffeine=Diuretic.  Perfect.  Just great.

I can't believe what I've ended up writing.  Ridiculously thoughtful.  It's already 3:15 a.m. although I can attest that my neurons are perfectly synapsing.  See.  Writing just like that.  I have to end this.  Not my day though - in fact, I'm foreseeing a 48-hour day on my mind right now.  To finish Eclipse, or not?  Still haven't decided.

Because I read Twilight, and I know Edward Cullen, I have unrealistic expectations in men.

This totally cracked me up - for the absurdity of the truth it contains, or maybe because I simply get the inside joke (among Twilight readers) behind it.

As you can tell, I'm back to blogging.  I've been out of it for quite a while for the mere reason that I feel lazy, even though my thoughts are already overflowing - I just let myself drown in them.  And as a result, I always become anxious.  I guess blogging is not a bad cathartic indulgence after all.

I attempted to write again several times prior to this; however, that wasn't successful.  Apparently.

Now, I felt the sudden surge of putting my thoughts into words again.  Besides being a sense of relief, writing signifies somehow my recovery from my dark ages.  Let's say, I can see vividly now - the cloud that's been hanging over my head for the past few months (that just sounds shorter and less pathetic) has been finally blown away by a torrent of hope.

As ironic as it may sound, judging from the literal meaning and the sound of it, Twilight inspired me again.  Of course I'm pertaining to Stephenie Meyer's book - not that gloomy, 'almost-dark' feel of it.  It doesn't only bring me back to my senses again, but it also shows me that true, genuine love still can exist.  As you can tell from my intro line above - it's all because of a vampire named Edward Cullen.  It sounds teen-ager-ish, and idealistic but as long as I can cling back to that hope that a perfect gentleman can exist - I'm totally down with that.  Even better, Edward raised my standard of guys again.  There's something to strive for, and look forward to.  HOPE.  I love that word, HOPE.

For some reason, (I think I am aware of...) hope in love again does not only ignite that aspect of my life, it influences my whole paradigm of life - it's given new light.  Life is alive again.  Full of vigor.  Full of hope.

OMGOSH!!!  I got so emotional in the beginning!  Good thing we had 3D glasses on.. people didn't see that I kinda got "teary eyed"... HEY this is BONO, EDGE, ADAM and LARRY we're talking about! haha!

I forgot my camera in the car!!  The parking was TOO FAR so I didn't bother going back to get it.  So I used my phone camera instead.  Coincidentally, cameras aren't allowed inside the theater so I was able to just use my phone (in a very discrete, subtle way - the power of a Motorolla V3X flip phone.. haha!) to take pics.. So they're not as good.. but I don't care. haha!

My whole family went!  Dad, Mom, Nero, Tita Lucille and Tita Kaka... since we're all into U2.  While other family from California are also planning to have their U23D experience the following night.

It was so much fun!!  The 3D concert is from their Vertigo tours.  It runs for like 90 minutes but it feels like forever in there!! :D

Classics like: Pride, Sunday Bloody Sunday, New Year's Day, With or Without You, Where The Streets Have No Name, One were played... Plus songs from their other albums such as: Beautiful Day, The Fly, Bullet The Blue Sky, Miss Sarajevo and the Vertigo Tour songs: Vertigo, Sometimes You Can't Make It On Your Own, Love Peace or Else, Yahweh.. and I may be forgetting more cause I really didn't write them down.  All of these are just somehow freakishly embedded in my memory. :P

Favorite Moments:

• Sunday Bloody Sunday - Bono was like reaching out to me!! haha! Well there were a lot of times, but in this song it was just different.  He felt so close.  I was telling my friend if he were tangible, I would've already HUGGED him! haha!

• Miss Sarajevo - WOW, WOW and WOW!  I never though Bono can sing like that!!  In this song there's supposed to be a part by Luciano Pavarotti and Bono sang it in a manner very much like a tenor!  Omgosh.. that blew me away!

• Pride - Well this is kind of different... haha!  This just caught my attention cause apparently Bono and Adam Clayton (bassist) were getting into the song.. and *SMACK* haha! They kissed! haha! Lip to lip!  BUT it didn't appear GROSS or something like that.. it's a EUROPEAN thing.  I actually found it sweet and funny :) and I don't love them any less for that!

I LOVE U2!!! I can't wait to seem them LIVE!!  For now this is the closest I can get.

By Anthony Breznican, USA TODAY

PARK CITY, Utah — Bono and The Edge walk across a footbridge over an ice-crusted stream, surrounded by onlookers whose cellphone cameras are raised in a kind of group salute.

The U2 bandmates have just finished a lunch with Sundance Film Festival founder Robert Redford, and now they're heading away from the actor's ski resort in snowy Provo Canyon for the hour-long trek back to Park City, where the annual movie showcase is in full swing.

It's Saturday, and this evening the band will gather at the town's 1,200-seat high school auditorium for the premiere showing of their new concert film, U2 3D, a state-of-the-art three-dimensional immersion into their 2006 Vertigo tour that opens in select theaters nationally on Wednesday.

The Edge hops into the back seat of the SUV, and Bono takes shotgun. (Their driver, Jordan, says the singer likes to play with the stereo.) Some of the dozen or so fans gather at the passenger side, pressing their hands against the windows, and the singer and guitarist roll them down to wave goodbye.

One man in his mid-20s has watery eyes over his encounter with one-half of the world's biggest rock band and offers blessings, choking for words. Then they are off, leaving the onlookers with only memories. What's it like to have that intense effect on people?

"It's the weight of responsibility," The Edge says in mock graveness. He smiles. "And it's fun, really. It's fun."

Bono leans back. "Which is it, Edge? A weight of responsibility or fun? Come on, now. You can't have it both ways."

The Edge says flatly: "The first was irony on my part."

Bono: "Sorry, I might have missed that. We hate whinging rock stars. Come on, why else do this?"

Throughout the long drive through the northern Utah countryside, the pair banter like the schoolyard friends they are, discussing their past, present and future in the context of a movie they hope will set a new standard for concert films. By the end of the ride, they're playing a demo CD of songs they hope to include on an upcoming album.

The Vertigo tour grossed roughly $377 million from March 2005 to March 2006, a tally surpassed only by the Rolling Stones' Bigger Bang tour, according to Billboard. The band has sold more than 30 million albums domestically in the SoundScan era (since 1991) and won 22 Grammys.

U2's hits have resonated through the culture for decades with Sunday Bloody Sunday, Beautiful Day and One. They joke about it, but there is a power there.

"It's only when it's finished that you start thinking about … how people are going to receive it out there," The Edge says. "We're objective enough to know if we have a song that's going to resonate beyond just the way we're feeling about it at that minute. Objectivity is hard to keep."

It's all about the music

Bono says the movie tries to put the focus only on the music, not the personalities.

"This is what people don't understand. There are such strong attachments to the songs that we have nothing to do with," he says. "I went to see Bruce Springsteen, and he played Promised Land. I was screaming! I was grateful to Bruce, but what was going on was what was in my life when I heard that song first. That's the humbling bit that performers don't want to admit to; they're only a small part of what's really going on."

Sheer rock canyon walls drip with ice as the car maneuvers the icy road. Bono turns and says they try to write songs less about their internal feelings and more about the world outside themselves. "To express yourself, the kind of modus operandi for the iGeneration, can lead to some unpleasant results."

U2 3D, with its three-dimensional camera-roving, aspires to not just put the moviegoer in the best seat in the house, but the 50 best seats.

When he talks about the film, Bono grins and raises his eyebrows behind circular purple-tinted glasses. "It's got some rock 'n' roll. It's got some swagger, and that'll either annoy you, or it won't. But in the end, it's the emotional force of it."

He says his favorite sequence is the song Miss Sarajevo, which includes an opera part originally recorded by the late Luciano Pavarotti. "It takes on a lot of extra resonance, and it's very hard to listen to that." The Edge nods quietly, and Bono goes on: "It's my favorite U2 song, I have to say. Normally, when I hear a U2 song on the radio I cringe. Either, a) I sound like a girl, or the lyric isn't finished. … But there are some songs that I really, really do enjoy. Miss Sarajevo is one of them."

The Edge says, "For me, it was great to see the film for the first time because I've actually never seen U2 live." Bono laughs, and The Edge jokes: "I've been to a lot of U2 concerts, but I've never seen the band! So this is the closest I've ever seen to what the fans experience."

Bono says knowing he was going to be captured by some of the most advanced camera technologies in the world created a few moments of personal anxiety. "I think I was on the summer holidays, and I can, uh … I can put on weight when I'm on my holidays. I like to eat and drink wine."

When the band arrived in Mexico to start the film production on the South American leg of the tour, he says, "I'm embarrassed to say I wasn't looking the best. I don't think I'm the most vain of rock 'n' roll stars you'll meet, but I had a panic attack at the thought of a 3-D, 40-foot arse. But by the time we got to Buenos Aires, I was back on track. But some of the shots I can see, I can't help thinking, 'You fat bastard …' "

The movie also has had an effect on band unity, giving them all a clearer perspective on what the others do. Bono marvels at bassist Adam Clayton's renewed prowess, while The Edge says he wondered if Larry Mullen Jr. felt isolated stuck on the top platform of the massive stage with his drums.

"He's very assertive, Adam is, in this," Bono says. "On this last tour, he really came out of himself. He's kind of the 'wise owl' of the band, and he has become a bit of a hermit. He withdraws to his fine art and quite cerebral life, and on this movie, he's a real proper rock star."

Keeping emotions in check

Bono recalls the performance in Sydney during the early 1990s when Clayton "had a terrible turn" struggling with alcoholism and missed a show, threatening the unity of the band. In those days, Bono says, Clayton "was hanging on to his bass for dear life, and he's frightened about what's happening to him. You cut to where he is now, this person who is filled by the music and strength and joy … and he's with his friends, and he's alive and loving being alive. You can never know what that feels like."

Though fans might not notice such nuance, Bono says the movie captures the inner lives of his friends. "I see Edge's frustration. He was going through some tricky things at the start of this tour in Buenos Aires, and there's proper violence in the guitar playing. That is the right arena for your despair."

The Edge adds, "Some of my best shows and indeed probably the worst shows I ever played in U2 were filmed for this 3-D movie. The final show of the tour, for some very sort of personal reasons to do with family and health, what have you — it was the only time I ever played a U2 show where I didn't want to be there. Thankfully, looking at the film I can't see that."

What surprised him about the footage was "how separate we are onstage. When I'm playing and Bono is singing, we're lost in the music, and our physical proximity to each other is not actually that important. But when you see that happen in a 3-D movie, you see that Larry is at the back, and for a minute I thought, 'Wow, that must be a slightly lonely place,' to be sitting at the drums giving it everything he has as he does every night, but it's like his bandmates are scattered around this huge room."

Another reason they wanted to do the movie was to reach out to fans who can't afford tickets. Bono says they try to keep the price of some seats low, but there are never enough. "I'm hoping that all the people in high school or who are college-age and don't have the cash to go see us can go see us for a low price with this film."

So why Sundance for the premiere? Both men have been to Sundance as moviegoers in the past, and say they simply enjoy it. "There's a great nobility to the Sundance Film Festival," Bono says, describing it as "a nexus of art and commerce, culture and politics."

A wide, frozen lake spreads out next to the salt-whitened Utah freeway, and Bono points out the gauzy sundown, the sun slipping beneath white clouds that blend with snowy mountaintops in the distance.

"Can I interrupt this broadcast?" he says. "There's an amazing moment in Ireland, where we live, when the sea and the sky can have the same color and the line of the horizon disappears. And I look at these mountains, and it's just about to happen here."

He reaches beneath the seat and pulls out a CD case, withdrawing a hand-labeled disc. "I have just the right song for it … if I can find it."

He slips the CD into the player and heavy distortion fills the car. It's a song called No Line on the Horizon, which the band is developing for their next album. "It came out of a new distortion box that my guitar tech got," The Edge says.

"This is a little full on!" Bono shouts. "But it's worth it, just to get a flavor of this. It's only a demo."

The song is rough, weaving between brutal guitar blasts underscoring the mellow title refrain. "These are just first drafts," Bono explains. He slips in another CD, this one U2's version of a lively Irish folk ditty about folk singer Ronnie Drew, one of the founders of The Dubliners.

Bono sings along with his own voice from the speakers, stopping to point out when Sinead O'Connor and Andrea Coor come in to sing the chorus: "Here's to you … Ronnie Drew …"

The bandmates say they conceived it as a way to cheer up the 73-year-old Drew, who is ailing with cancer. They may put it out as a single in the next few months.

Since the recordings are still in the embryonic phase, it's not clear what direction the band will be headed with their next collection of songs, but as the car winds through the traffic of Park City's bustling Main Street, Bono and The Edge provide some clues to their mind-set while talking about what they like in other movies.

"Joy is the hardest thing, always, for any artist, for any writer, for any photographer," Bono says. "It's the hardest thing to capture because it's impossible to contrive, whereas despair — you can have a good go at despair."

"You don't have to try too hard to summon it up," The Edge adds.

"It's a little bit too easy," Bono agrees. "Or melancholy, which we can sometimes suffer with."

U23d

The car pulls up at their destination, they bid farewell and step out to where the crowd   of fans from the start of their journey is seemingly waiting for them at the end of it. Different faces, of course, but they share the same expression. And it's definitely not despair.

Let this be my voice.  Let me voice out my innermost thoughts.

Maybe this way I can somehow vent.  Let's see if it works.

It's been a while since the last time I blogged.  And for the second time in my life (yeah I'm pretty much sure it's the second time) I'm trying it again.  Maybe I am bored and I have nothing else better to do - or maybe I find something cathartic about this that enables to exhale whatever deep emotional anxiety that I'm having right now, and that it actually causes my relief.  Well I think I'm going for the second excuse to blog again.

I have so many thoughts that keep me from being ultimately happy, or even just giving a chance to be.  And these thoughts all narrow down to a four letter word - LOVE. 

Romance indeed confuses friendship. 
Crap. 
Why does that have to happen?  If only I can find some logical explanation on how one actually FEELS.  Where do all these emotions come from?  Hormones mostly I guess. Haha.

In my struggle right now, I think there's only one thing that's gonna make it end.  The TRUTH.  But then I can't face it.  Can't deal with it.  Telling the truth, or even merely admitting it, would make me seem too vulnerable - not only to others, to HIM but mostly to myself.  Just can't seem to get rid of this "pride-chicken" I have (too much pride, that it already makes me look like a chicken, a coward - and yes, I have my own terms, haha!).  On the other hand, I still get the thought of regret.  I don't wanna look back and wonder what could've been.  And besides the truth is the last thing that's holding me.  Holding me to let go.  Holding me to move on.  Suppresses me from happiness.

I'm afraid of letting go that the pain I've hid will show.

Getting by.  That's what should be.  I can't force things to happen.  I can't force myself to do things I obviously can't.  I can't force him to understand.

Relationships are so fragile.  It goes down on you like a snow ball - it builds down on you.
But I guess in the end it's all part of this life - that we encounter a lot of snowballs before we reach the peak of the mountain.

Perfect lines:
I cannot hold back the TRUTH no more, I let you wait too long.  Although it's hard and scares me so, A LIFE WITHOUT YOU SCARES ME MORE. 

So ironic.  Crazy.

I got this from Ysel:
Those who have hurt you in the past cannot continue to hurt you now - unless you hold on to the pain through resentment.  Your past is past, nothing will change it.  You are only hurting yourself with your bitterness.  For your own sake, learn from it and then let it go.

I just hope it's that easy to tell yourself what to do or feel.  It's hard to love yourself again after realizing you love another person too much - to the extent that you love him more than yourself.  Well I guess I am still resentful.  I'm still bitter.  I just can't help it.

For the third time, I'm posting this.  (Even though same people are in our Vox network and same people are probably able to read it, or let's say interested. :P)

Dear Love, who are you?
    You come in different faces and still I don't recognize who you are.
       You tell me to trust you but your absence makes it painful.
    You promise to make me happy but you give me heartaches when I hold on.
       You give me strength but you kill me gently.
    Are you really blind not to see how much you make me suffer?
        You say you can move mountains but why can't you make me smile?
    You really are a mystery, aren't you?  And I don't know who you are.
        I don't know if you're good or bad.
    Cause you know what, when I try to feel you, you just hurt.

Yes, it hurts.

Let this be my voice.  I pray that you hear me.